《孔雀东南飞》（英文搞笑话剧）

wanderseveryfivemiles

焦仲卿johnny(jforshort)刘兰芝lunch(lforshort)

焦母johnny’smother(jmforshort)刘母lunch’smother(lmforshort)

太守之子mayor’sson(msforshort)强盗burglars(abandc)

prologue

(j作被打状跑上台,内砸出一卷纸筒,j被打中,狼狈不堪)

j:everybodysaysthati’mhenpecked,butinfact,i’masstrongasatiger,(小声)whilemy

wifeiswusong.

(指着上台处的门大声道)i’mnotafraidofyou!

(内砸出一脸盆,ｊ接住当成盾牌护着头)then,i’mafraidofwhom?

mywifelunchisthemostfamouswomanintheneighbor-hood.sheisbraverthanme,

smarterthanmeandstrongerthanme.allthisidonotcare.ionlywanthertobetender

thanme.butsheisnot!havingawifelikethisisjustlikelivinginthehell!

(内又砸出一卷纸筒,击中j)

mygod!whocanhelpme?(下)

act1

(序幕结束时,jm作窃听状)

jm(拄拐棍上):ican!

(对门内)lunch!lunch!whereareyou?

l(扎着围裙,拿着锅铲,从门内跳出来):i’mhere!what’supmum?

jm:i’vetoldyouagainandagainthatyoushouldcallme“mymostbeautifulgracefuland

dearestmother-in-law”.

l:ok.mymostbeautifulgracefulanddearestmother-in-law,what’sup?

jm:sinceyoumarriedmysonyouhavebehavedsobadly.youhavebeensorude,sobrusque,so

lazy……

l:but……

jm:neverinterruptme!

l:neverinterruptme!sinceimarriedyourson,thatterriblejohnny,ihavebeenworkinghardall

daylong,cookingandwashing.ihaveraisedtensofthousandsofpigsandducksandchicken

and……

jm:butallthoseyouhavedonearenotasvaluableasagrandson!

l(生气地挥动着锅铲):oh,youwantagrandson,don’tyou?(开始解围裙)goandaskyour

son.i’mleaving!(扯下围裙,扔在jm的脸上,下)

act2

(lm坐在台上打毛线,l拿着锅铲上)

l:mum,i’mback!

lm:youareback?why?whathappened?

l:iwaskickedoutbymymostbeautifulgracefulanddearestmother–in-law.

lm(惊讶,但随即露出幸灾乐祸的神情):see!ihavealreadytoldyou!whenyouinsistedon

marryingthatterriblejohnny,itoldyouthatheisuglystupidandpoor,butyoudidnotlisten

tome.lookatyourself……

l:but,mum……

lm:neverinterruptme!

l:mum,i’mnotinterruptingyou.ijustwanttotellyouthatyouarealwaysrightok?and

i’llmarrywhomeveryouwantmeto.

lm(大喜):nicegirl!justnow,imetthemayor’ssoninthemarket.hesaid:“ifyoudaughter

haven’tbeenmarried,ireallyreallywanttomarryher!”nowyouarefreeagain,i’llgo

andtellhim.(下)

l(惊愕):what?themayor’sson?themostfamousplayboyintheneighbor-hood?(手中的锅

铲掉在地上)whatasillythingihavedone!(下)

act3

(j睡眼惺忪上)

j(边走边道):lunch!lunch!wherearemysocks?

(走了几步,在地上捡起袜子)heretheyare!(闻一下) er!howsmelly!theyarestilldirty!

(突然想起)lunchhasgone!ihavetowashthemmyself.

(他的肚子似乎咕咕叫了起来)oh,i’msohungry!butthere’snobreakfast!(捡起地上的围

裙)thisiswhatlunchalwayswears!imisshersomuch,andherexcellentcookingskill!now

shehasgone.ihavetocookformymotherandmyself.

jm(上):where’smybreakfast?where’slunch?hasn’tshegotupyet?

j:mum,can’tyouremember?lunchhasgone!

jm(沉吟片刻):well,totellyouthetruthjohnny,asonwithoutawifeisuseless.lunchisanice

girl,goandtakeherback!

j(立正敬礼):yesmadam!

act4

(j开心地走着，忽然跳出来三个强盗)

a:heyyou!stopandlistentous!

theroadisbuiltbyme!(抬脚重重地踩在一块大石头上)

b:andiplantedonetree!(亦抬脚踩在同一块石头上)

c:ifyouwanttogobythisstreet---(欲踩石头，但踩到了a的脚)

ab&c:giveusallyourmoney!

j(搜遍了每一个口袋，掏出１角硬币):is1maoenough?

(三强盗晕倒状，接着三人聚在一边商量)

a:whatbadluck!thisguyisbroken!

b:ifwecannotrobanymoneytoday,wewillhavenothingtoeattonight!

c:iheardthatthemayor’ssonisgoingtomarrymissliulanzhinextmonth.wecangoand

robthewedding!

a&b:goodidea!

j(惊讶):what?what?lunchisgoingtogetmarried?it’simpossible!

ab&c:why?aprettygirlandarichman,whatagoodcouple!

j:butlunchismywife!wehaven’tgotdivorcedyet!

(突然有了主意)i’vegotanidea!youaregoingtorobthewedding,don’tyou?i’llgo

withyou.youtakethemoneyanditakethebride.

b:haveyougotanyexperience?

j:no.buti’vegotthis!(j脱下鞋子从里面摸出一张支票，上书＄１，０００，０００)

act5

(转眼已到了婚礼之期．ms意气风发用红绸牵着新娘上，j盖着红盖头极不情愿地被拉上台)

(j和三强盗跃至台中)

abc&j:heyyou!stopandlistentous!

a:theroadisbuiltbyme!

b:andiplantedonetree.

c:ifyouwanttogobythisstreet---

j:giveusallyourmoney!

(l听到j的声音，掀起了盖头)

l(惊喜万分):johnny!(不顾一切地飞奔到j的身边并躲到了的身后)

(ms大怒，挥拳向j打来．j矮身一躲，ms打中了j身后的l，l晕倒)

j(火冒三丈):howdareyoubeatmywife!（挥拳向ms冲去）

(j与ms混战，jm上，以拐杖击晕ms)

(j将ms胸前的新郎标志扯下戴在自己胸前)

j(扶起l，关切地问):honey,howareyou?

l(哭状):ihurtalot!

j:don’tcrybaby.i’llgoandfetchthemedicine. (下)

l(起身去追):waitforme! (跑下)

(音乐起 canyoucelebrate)